OVERCOMING CONFLICTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

[Conflict Resolution] The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation

Is there now, or has there been, a person or two in your life that you have difficulty in maintaining a civil relationship with at times? It may be your spouse or lover; it may be a friend or a superior at work. We usually say "I have a love-hate relationship with this person."
Fight OR Flight; Attack OR Evade; Right OR Wrong; All OR Nothing; Win OR Lose - all are a form of what we can call "The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation." When we believe that a potential outcome has only two possible alternatives we come from a place of scarcity thinking and invariably add a good deal of stress to the system being addressed and limit what is possible.
In every interpersonal conflict both sides wind up wounded, albeit one side perhaps more than the other. Whenever a person feels that you must be wrong in order for me to be right, we invariably denigrate not only the other person's point of view, but their overall character as well. We move away from attacking the issues at hand, and get involved in attacking each other. Arguing between right and wrong is often simply an excuse to prove myself somehow superior to you. "With my superior insight, with my superior intellect and knowledge, with my superior position in the world, I look to show you how your perception of reality is incorrect." When I think of you and your opinions as being somehow inferior to me and my opinions, it is no wonder that you are not willing to agree with the opinions I put forth. In order to agree with my opinions, you would have to be willing to believe that you are somehow inferior to me.
When engaging in conflict resolution with others, staying locked into grappling between one of two possible outcomes requires that we both shut down our ability to notice additional alternative realities. When two individuals are locked into a confrontational mode of exchange, both parties to the conflict lose the possibility of acquiring information that might offer generative solutions that either side has yet to think of. We lose the possibility of understanding that in some important way, our limited range of thinking tends to make both of us somehow "wrong." Or, to say it another way, we fail to realize that "We are both, both wrong and right, at the same time." We lose touch with the fact that given new sources of information, both of us might come to a different opinion.
Often, the first step in successful conflict resolution requires that you acknowledge that your philosophy of fear and confrontation limits your ability to notice how a different way of thinking and a different way of using your body, would lead to a much wider field of possibilities.
For the average person, the more you feel attacked, the more you will look to defend. The more you look to defend, the more you narrow your field of vision, tighten up various muscle groups, and limit the flow of blood and oxygen in your system. And guess what happens at such times. When my adversary notices that I am preparing to defend, he perceives instead that I am preparing to attack him. What does he do in this instance? Why the very same thing that I am doing! He tenses up and prepares for the worst. In this moment of entering into mortal combat we get swept away by the vortex of fear and confrontation that is being generated by the both of us. When we react from this place of "high alert" on a regular basis, we quickly wind up weakening our immune system, and severely limit our ability to defend ourselves from the onslaught of physical and emotional disease. In Aikido this leads us to say that "The best defense is no defense," which is another way of saying "The less defensive you are, the better able you are to defend yourself."

COMMITEMENT IS THE SOUL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples

WHAT IS COMMITMENT?
The question of when a relationship is committed is a sourceof much confusion and debate. We live in a time when themarriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is goingup, and the majority of first-born children are now born tounmarried parents.
In this article I hope to shed some light on this questionto facilitate your work with couples and individualschallenged by different perceptions of the status of theirrelationships.
COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE
I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me shehad just broken off a "committed" relationship. A fewquestions later I learned that she had been dating thisperson for a year, they were not living together, and thereason she broke it off is that he "cheated."
We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships,and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, butinsisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.
OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is thestatus of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, andon the other hand are commitments made within therelationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?
In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinctionbetween a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promiseto each other within the context of a relationship that wasnot committed. That distinction seemed to help her make moresense of things.
When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitmentvs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment.
Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and hereis my definition of terms:
PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a
specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time
- I promise to be exclusive in our relationship
COMMITMENT:
Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and anATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises
- I am committed to our relationship
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitmentis something you do. A promise is situation-specific. Acommitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partnerdoesn't keep promises, I would question their ability tokeep commitments, as they are definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinctionI made between a commitment and a promise was helpful forthe above conversation.
The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusionabout the status of today's relationships. Some years agowhen I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couplesthat were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpfuldistinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?"
When you are married, it is clear you are in a committedrelationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.
I have talked with many unmarried people, as the womanabove, who have described themselves in "committedrelationships." They clearly have the attitude, but oftenhave nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not eventhat!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed You are wondering if this relationship is committed You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is aformal event of some kind between two people. A commitmentis something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are noexits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the goinggets rough, you make it work. CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to"on." When building a relationship with someone, the levelof commitment gradually increases. Then you have all the shades of gray. living together,dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to bemarried, that might look and feel like commitment, but is itreally? FACT VS. ATTITUDE Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takestwo people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events,actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them. It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") butnot in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the rightrelationship for me"). It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. datingexclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'TheOne!' "). In my work with couples I have found that the most importantvariable determining their future success is their level ofcommitment to the relationship. In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, butnot in attitude, their prognosis is poor. Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generallyfall into two categories- UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" modelof trying the relationship out, acting committed withoutactually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact andattitude. CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usuallyhave commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this theright relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" Analignment of fact and attitude. CONCLUSION So, when is a relationship committed? -- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude. What creates the "fact" of commitment? I propose these three criterion: CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I wouldsay it is a committed relationship, whether legally marriedor not.

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STARTS WITH YOU

How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

What drives a woman to cheat may look a   lot different than what drives a man to cheat however; it's really not very different. Most extramarital affairs happen because of unmet needs in the relationship.
When your girlfriend or wife is unhappy in your relationship, you'd better watch out because women tend to have affairs when they feel disconnected from the marital relationship.
If you would just take a moment to look and listen, there are warning signs that are staring you right in the face. Below are the five most common signs that your wife or girlfriend might be having an affair, or at least is in danger of having one.
She doesn't mind you spending a lot of your free time with you friends, watching TV, or playing on the computer (or any other thing that you do a lot of).
There are some women who don't mind this to start with but this becomes a problem when at some point in the past your wife did mind these things. The fact that she no longer has a problem with them could mean that she feels you are not invested in the relationship.
She doesn't ask you to go out with her the way she used to.
She has most likely given up hope of you actually wanting to do something that she wants to do. This is a dangerous place for her to be. Should she find a male "friend" that shares her interests she will be susceptible to an affair. If this sounds like your wife you can take measures to repair the damage to you marriage.
She doesn't talk to you like she used to and/or she has a male friend who listens to her.
You better believe that if she isn't talking to you, she is talking to someone. Women tend to need that emotional connection that sharing brings and they will generally develop an emotional attachment before sexual activities ensue. If your wife has stopped telling you the details of her day or sharing her feelings with you, you need to do something fast. This is a breading ground for an affair to develop in.
She has started working a lot of overtime, coming home late or leaving earlier in the morning.
This is pretty self explanatory. If you notice other signs and this one is also present you will need to figure out whether she is actually working or not.
She has started to avoid sex with you.
Most women need an emotional connection in order to feel desire. If she feels she does not have that connection with you she will start to pull away sexually. As she develops an emotional connection with another male what is left of her emotional connection to you will start to wane further.
There are ups and downs in every marriage. Try to remember that one of these signs by itself does not signify that an affair is taking place. If you only see a couple of signs you should count yourself lucky and work to improve that area of your marriage. However; when you see multiple signs then you need to heed their warning. If an affair is not taking place it soon will be. Take the steps necessary to protect your most important asset, your marriage.

HOW TO CORNER THE CHEATERS I N RELATIONSHIPS

How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot different than what drives a man to cheat however; it's really not very different. Most extramarital affairs happen because of unmet needs in the relationship.
When your girlfriend or wife is unhappy in your relationship, you'd better watch out because women tend to have affairs when they feel disconnected from the marital relationship.
If you would just take a moment to look and listen, there are warning signs that are staring you right in the face. Below are the five most common signs that your wife or girlfriend might be having an affair, or at least is in danger of having one.
She doesn't mind you spending a lot of your free time with you friends, watching TV, or playing on the computer (or any other thing that you do a lot of).
There are some women who don't mind this to start with but this becomes a problem when at some point in the past your wife did mind these things. The fact that she no longer has a problem with them could mean that she feels you are not invested in the relationship.
She doesn't ask you to go out with her the way she used to.
She has most likely given up hope of you actually wanting to do something that she wants to do. This is a dangerous place for her to be. Should she find a male "friend" that shares her interests she will be susceptible to an affair. If this sounds like your wife you can take measures to repair the damage to you marriage.
She doesn't talk to you like she used to and/or she has a male friend who listens to her.
You better believe that if she isn't talking to you, she is talking to someone. Women tend to need that emotional connection that sharing brings and they will generally develop an emotional attachment before sexual activities ensue. If your wife has stopped telling you the details of her day or sharing her feelings with you, you need to do something fast. This is a breading ground for an affair to develop in.
She has started working a lot of overtime, coming home late or leaving earlier in the morning.
This is pretty self explanatory. If you notice other signs and this one is also present you will need to figure out whether she is actually working or not.
She has started to avoid sex with you.
Most women need an emotional connection in order to feel desire. If she feels she does not have that connection with you she will start to pull away sexually. As she develops an emotional connection with another male what is left of her emotional connection to you will start to wane further.
There are ups and downs in every marriage. Try to remember that one of these signs by itself does not signify that an affair is taking place. If you only see a couple of signs you should count yourself lucky and work to improve that area of your marriage. However; when you see multiple signs then you need to heed their warning. If an affair is not taking place it soon will be. Take the steps necessary to protect your most important asset, your marriage.
Brandi Simon is the owner of InjuredHearts.com where she offers articles and information for those suffering the effects of an extramarital affair and other relationship issues. Brandi is an affair survivor who has successfully rebuilt her marriage from the ashes and offers advice to those who are recovering. 

UNDERSTANDING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IN LIFE

One of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this:  The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves.  Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships.  They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.

Let’s consider why this is true.  Where do all your relationships exist?  They exist in your thoughts.  Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be.  Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right.  Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts.  So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you.  You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint.  You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness.  The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity.  That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature.

At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships.  You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness.  That would be like trying to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes.  That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain.  If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality.  Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships.  You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be.  Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.

Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people.  It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map.  The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself.  Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others.  Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Here’s a basic example of how this works.

When I first met Erin, I quickly noticed she had an aversion towards orderliness.  Having a messy room was a habit since childhood, and being organized was a concept forever alien to her.  In Erin’s filing cabinet, I once found a file labeled “Stuff I Don’t Need.”  Chew on that for a while.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always — and I do mean always — neat and tidy.  Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized.  So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Erin to be neater and more organized.

If we try to look at this situation “objectively,” you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Erin working on being neater, or a mixture of both.  Or you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict.  Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now.  This model says that my relationship with Erin is purely within my own consciousness.  So my conflict with Erin is just the projection of an internal conflict.  Supposedly my desire for Erin to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself.  Is that true?  Yes, I have to admit that it is.  When I criticize Erin for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized.

This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution.  In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order.  That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model.  To implement this solution, Erin needn’t even be involved.

From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish.  If anything it will only backfire.  Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Erin?

Now here’s the really fascinating part.  When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Erin suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself.  She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her workspace.  She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more decluttering before they came over.  She bought new bedroom furniture for our children.  She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity.  She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced.  And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this.  If anything she started pushing me a bit.

Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Erin came along for the ride.  I’ve tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out.  My ”external” relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships.  I’ve seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Erin and my kids, since they’re the people I spend the most time with.  It’s rather spooky at times how strong and immediate the effect is.  However, the subjective model suggests that this is exactly how reality works, so I’m glad to have a paradigm that fits the results.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones.  Try this simple exercise:  Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people.  Now re-read that list as if it applies to you.  If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself.  For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par?  Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area.

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow.  Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others.  The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself.

I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love.  According to the subjective model, when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are.  The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will become.  Hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.

One of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this:  The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves.  Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships.  They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.

Let’s consider why this is true.  Where do all your relationships exist?  They exist in your thoughts.  Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be.  Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right.  Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts.  So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you.  You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint.  You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness.  The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity.  That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature.

At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships.  You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness.  That would be like trying to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes.  That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain.  If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality.  Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships.  You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be.  Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.

Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people.  It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map.  The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself.  Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others.  Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Here’s a basic example of how this works.

When I first met Erin, I quickly noticed she had an aversion towards orderliness.  Having a messy room was a habit since childhood, and being organized was a concept forever alien to her.  In Erin’s filing cabinet, I once found a file labeled “Stuff I Don’t Need.”  Chew on that for a while.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always — and I do mean always — neat and tidy.  Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized.  So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Erin to be neater and more organized.

If we try to look at this situation “objectively,” you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Erin working on being neater, or a mixture of both.  Or you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict.  Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now.  This model says that my relationship with Erin is purely within my own consciousness.  So my conflict with Erin is just the projection of an internal conflict.  Supposedly my desire for Erin to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself.  Is that true?  Yes, I have to admit that it is.  When I criticize Erin for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized.

This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution.  In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order.  That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model.  To implement this solution, Erin needn’t even be involved.

From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish.  If anything it will only backfire.  Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Erin?

Now here’s the really fascinating part.  When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Erin suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself.  She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her workspace.  She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more decluttering before they came over.  She bought new bedroom furniture for our children.  She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity.  She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced.  And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this.  If anything she started pushing me a bit.

Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Erin came along for the ride.  I’ve tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out.  My ”external” relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships.  I’ve seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Erin and my kids, since they’re the people I spend the most time with.  It’s rather spooky at times how strong and immediate the effect is.  However, the subjective model suggests that this is exactly how reality works, so I’m glad to have a paradigm that fits the results.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones.  Try this simple exercise:  Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people.  Now re-read that list as if it applies to you.  If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself.  For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par?  Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area.

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow.  Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others.  The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself.

I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love.  According to the subjective model, when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are.  The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will become.  Hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.